I'm in this phase of my life where i'm confused, and trying to figure out which parts of me are really me, which parts are the person my parents tried to mold me into, and which parts are the me i became in order to be the opposite of who my parents wanted me to be.  

I was born at a time, and in a home, in which a trans existence was abnormal, underground, in the shadows, and so i was, in the shadows. I was born kinky too, and i felt painful shame around that - which got mixed up with my gender.  I pursued a creative career path, first, writing, later, theatre.  I was a single parent, working hard and long hours, as an artist and a teacher, creating an incredible amount of work, which took an enormous amount of energy, but i loved it.  I ate, breathed, and slept work, to drown out the voice of the girl inside.  But she demanded i live my truth, and perhaps i have an honest soul, for l let her live in my small bits of spare time - but the more time she got, the more space she took, and the more she took, the more she became i, and the more i became her the more the male masquerade began to tatter and shred and fall away.  I held onto that masquerade i had invested decades into for dear life, even after i was disabled and forced to leave work,  But that lil girl turned out to be stronger than the parents, society and culture that had shoved her in a dungeon with iron walls of will.  She took over, and freed me to love my Self in a way i never could before.  And i found in the aughts trans people are no longer in the shadow, people are more accepting, becoz like my lil girl, trans people everywhere refused to hide, and demand to be seen.  I transitioned, but have discovered that living my identity is a constantly unfolding process, as i try to recover the lil girl who never got a chance to live, the teen girl who is still rebelling against everything, the adult mom who raised a daughter with love whose voice sometimes get lost with the abusive parents who beat me into a male masquerade that never felt right - and the femme identity that keeps revealing itself to me, like a blooming rhododendren, as i embody the girl becoming.